Grumpy. Hrumph.

I made the drive back to Columbus this weekend. In Tony's car. Which is awesome because it's a year old and had like 4000 miles on it, so it could easily be wheeled back to the showroom and no one would be none the wiser. It was also returned to him in that condition, because if not for nothing, I may have to endure eye rolls and the gasping conclusion that my kids are realizing that I am not near as cool as I find myself to be, they can travel for 8 hours, by car and not make a mess.

I'm deflecting. I'm trying not to think about how grouchy I am right now.

This weekend, was spectacular.

I miss my Ohio house, the newness the perfectly coordinated decor. The way it always seemed clean because nobody have lived within those walls but my family. I miss my neighborhood and the way that the kids could use the houses all along our street like revolving doors. I miss the new landscaping and the ease of the maintenance. I miss that my husbands office was 3 miles away and not a country and/or a state away. But most of all, I miss my friends.

Yes, I have friends here. They are great friends. I am stupidly lucky that I have friends spanning several states and feel like I am home in each of them. I love my house here, but it takes work. Lots and lots of work.

Sometimes carrying the weight of being a solo parent for a portion of the week starts to wear me down. It's like a nagging cold that is nestling itself into your lungs to complete and upper respiratory infection. I can handle the cold symptoms, I can patch the cough up with honey sweetened tea and not complain. But when you lump that with a sneeze and lessened sleep, I start to break down.

I don't really have a cold, it's a metaphor.

I can take the weight of my jobs. I can balance the school, mine and the kids. I can balance the endless places and activities. I can balance making healthy meals where we eat at a table and be on time and the homework and the housework. And? I can do it exceptionally well.

But, that's all I can handle. I can't deal any longer when my mom needs me because her depression pendulum is swinging like mad. I can't hold anymore upon my shoulders. I can't keep my posture straight and not wrinkle my blouse while job after job is heaped and all the while I thought I was doing favors by not sharing the anxiety that is my day timer.

Throughout the year, this happens. Although frustrating and stressful, I need this time to remind me how lucky I am that while I have things that are taking away my shine, I am not worried about how I will feed my family. Or if the lights will be on. Or if someone will get medicines they need. I need these times to cry out UNCLE so I can peel myself back up and dust my self off and try again. And again. Also to remind myself that when my kids were little we had a list of words that were forbidden in the home; fart, crap, shut up, hate and I Can't.

But today? Today I am just grumpy. And that has to be okay.