This leaves two gaping holes the size of oil spill in the gulf to fill, I am pretty sure I could score a spot as a Real housewife.
How would you define a housewife and why would should you be considered?
Well, for starters, I am a real housewife, emphasis on real. There is absolutely no work done on my part. I mean, none. I laugh at work. Ha. Haha. As a mater of fact, I just pledged life long servitude to laundry and round the clock care to my slate floored kitchen, which doesn't really go with the traditional colonial style of the house, but my interior designer swore that I should go with what I love.
What can you add, drama wise, to the RHONJ?
Hmm. Do you mean, what skeletons do I have in my closet? You mean like the not so secret fact that I was pregnant at 19 and married a month shy of being able to drink legally? I mean, getting knocked up and married to the same dude all before my friend were back from studying abroad didn't lend much time for me to smuggle drugs or extort money. I do use an awful lot of the 'Eff' word and I lie to my husband about how much I spend.
SO, would you say that you are the head of your household?
Of course not, silly! Who wants to be the head? I am the neck that controls the head. I don't pay the bills, which I realize eradicates what I think are 'lies' about how much I spend. It would make for great double shot footage of Tony sitting in his office on the phone with me, asking what I did that day. You could pan back to me in Jersey, filing my nails or something while I whine about endless volunteering, pan back to him scanning his computer monitor that reads back
Nordstroms, Short Hills $XXX.XXHenri Bendels, Gift Asylum $XX.XXGood To Go Nails and More $XX.XXTough To Be You Lazer Hair Removal $XXX.XXNeimans Bistro You Better Not Really Eat That Salad $XX.XX
You're quite the creator, no?
I'm sorry, was a question there?! See? I can be bitchy, too. Though, I am lacking a Jersey accent. I can fake a mad Texan one though.
Tell us what your days are like, as a real housewife. Like what would we have seen today if we peeked in your windows?
Oh! Well, let me tell YOU! First I start the day with an email from my doubles partner that while I was away in Greece this summer the tennis club changed our club attire to from just collared shirt with skirts to COLLARED dresses! Fine, except I only have a white collared tennis dress, and I was having my period. Which means I can't make sauce, which, fine again-we'll just go to Benihana for dinner. Then! I look outside my kitchen window while I was sipping my morning chai tea to notice my roses were looking drab, and if there is ONE thing I don't stand for-it's drab roses! And the next thing you know, I was outside rinsing spiders off my roses with some organic deer shit, and I had a collection of dirt under my new french.
In conclusion, why should you be New Jersey's next real housewife?
Look, I don't have a house in foreclosure, but I am being audited! I don't have an out of control 19 year old who looks identical to me, but in 9 years, have no doubt, I will. I totally have people who hate me, but it's only because of my mad back spin. I won't pimp my kids, but I will definitely fill air time with massive punishments and a fair amount of screaming. When I invite a friend to lunch you won't want to air the footage, because the only thing Juicy going at that table is my sweat suit and that is because of the drawstring pants to make way for my Brie and Roast Beef belly. I will probably drink too much champagne on more than a few occasions and make an ass of myself.
